Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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