Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
