Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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