I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
