he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Randomize
