I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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