I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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