Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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