can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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