she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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