Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
