you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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