oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Found the puke drawer
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
