dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
