I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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