I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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