So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize