She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
