They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Randomize
