fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
