I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
