Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
