Three words: puerto rican gang bang
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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