so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
