I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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