I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
