dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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