Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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