You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
