She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
