The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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