I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
