Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
