yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
