he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
