my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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