Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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