You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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