you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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