yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
