Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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