happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
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