I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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