just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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