Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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