the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He kissed a someone with a penis
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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