Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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