Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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