I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
