Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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