I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
