The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
