I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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