My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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