May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Dick very happy bro
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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