Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
