you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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