And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
