I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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