do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
