I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
