Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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